(no subject)

[fj]

Obviously my siblings have to get used to me again.

First of all, I am not supposed to care what they call me. My sister, whose vacated appartment I am in, just very explicitely told me that. Even asking is a form of aggression. Asking again seriously was anti-social.

And answering the suggestion that I should babysit 3 children between the ages of 1 and 5, without her even knowing my experiences with children, or even my life for the last ten years, with "No fucking way" is overly aggressive too.

Well, so I sat down and asked her to tell me what she was angry about, and I got crap for all week. I shoudln't care what my name is to my siblings and all their children. I only see them two days a year anyway. I seem to not have been happy enough when she comes in every two days in the appartment for an hour with husband and two children to check internet and messages during my workday at 11AM. And when she was on the phone here just now with my father, my answer of "It doesn't matter" to his question whether he should buy something special for me is to her a total indication that I am anti-social, and she had to wag her finger and tell me five times that I'd better be nice tomorrow. I cut her off the sixth and told her she had no clue how I was around him.

Now I am supposed to sit in the train for 3 hours to Belgium to be with another sister and her children, the one who told me to my face that wanting to be called FJ is a denial of my family. She said it with a smile of course. She always does. That means she isn't being aggressive, you know.

The notion of being social today seems to be to explicitely allow them to define what should be important to me. If the consensus is that something should not be important to me, it isn't. Of course she lorded the gratitude I should feel for letting me stay in the appartment. She even brought me a desk chair so I could work.

My real problem is that I am not playing their game, but showing my emotions honestly. Always have.

I want out of this appartment. Now. I can't, but boy does it feel tainted to me now.

Comments

[beaq.livejournal.com]

*growf*

I am sorry they are being such assholes toward you.

[fj.livejournal.com]

Maybe I am an asshole to them too, without knowing it.

[beaq.livejournal.com]

That's very likely, but I'm not reading their LJs. :-)

When I went home last, off meds (by accident), I was a horrible, horrible asshole. Mostly withdrawn and tense, but really snarly at times. My sister, the one who treated me the worst when we were children, got the brunt of it. When my mom commented to her, she said it was OK, because I was off my meds. HOW DID SHE KNOW?!

Well, anyway, I was glad she understood. Later I asked my mom if I'd been insane and mean as a kid. "No. You were just...moody."

Ah, well.

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

Why do you have to be so different all the time? Can't you just go along with everyone else and be part of the family for a change?

I'm sorry you're going through that. It sucks.

[quillon.livejournal.com]

In general, visiting family wouldn't be such a stressor if they weren't so talented at pushing buttons.

[(Anonymous)]

It's easy to push the buttons you installed.

[feste-sylvain.livejournal.com]

That was me. Still not used to be logged off by LJ.

[italiangm.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reminding me why my chosen family is oftentimes better than kin by blood or marriage.

[curly-chick.livejournal.com]

*big giant hugs*

Been there. The carrot and the stick.

[jwg.livejournal.com]

Tell them you have a car named after you:



FJ Cruiser

[biaggi.livejournal.com]

I'm the youngest in my family and consequently people still treat me like a child. Last Christmas someone--presumably without thinking--actually asked me what grade I was in. "Ummm..." (quick calculation), "forty-second."

[pinkfish.livejournal.com]

What kind of idiot asks a person who is nearly 50 what "grade" they are in?

Was this a relative with Alzheimer's?

[susandennis]

It's no wonder you only see them 2 days a year. If it were me, that would be 0 days. Oh wait, that's exactly how many days each year I see my own sister for the same reasons. Ugh. Sorry. You have my sympathy.

[chefxh.livejournal.com]

hm, you make the US sound straightforward.

[auntieruth.livejournal.com]

It only takes 5 minutes before my relatives drive me up the wall.

I picked up the following some years ago:

"Relatives are like fish. After 2 days they start to stink."

[missdimple.livejournal.com]

As someone who changed her name at 15 years old, I completely understand your feelings of resentment(?) towards your family. They are treating you in a very disrepectful manner.

My mother has completely changed what she calls me to my current name, my brother forgets usually since he and don't usually see each other very often, and my father more or less refuses to try. What is unusual about my situation, though, is that both my father and brother have changed their names, too and I can't manage to switch for them, either. So, we respect that its awkward for us all and there's not really any anger about the whole thing. (I was annoyed however, when a Christmas present arrived with both my and zzbottom's name were spelled incorrectly.) But, there are no lectures from my family about how I walked away from my family by changing my name.

You are probably different than when they saw you more frequently, but they should respect that and get over it. And, I also think it's odd how they seem to be treating you like a charity case (RE: her attitude about the apartment.) Are they not used to you being employed in a job that pays you a decent amount?

I think you have every right to stand up for yourself. They have no right to be obnoxious. I wonder if both of your sisters took their husband's last name... Maybe if you compared it to that situation, which if you think about it abstractly, is completely arbitrary, they might get it. They saw their marriage as changing their identity - I would imagine their is some sort of life changing event(s) that made you change yours. It doesn't have to be marriage to be significant to cause great change.

Not sure if any of this is helpful. I hope you know that we all respect you.

[earthling177.livejournal.com]

Well, first off, you have my sympathies.

I agree with missdimple about the name change, but I have to admit I wouldn't be so tactful -- I would have gone for "oh, yeah?!? What if I started calling you foo?" where "foo" is something she used to be called when she was a kid and that she did not like it. Points if it was something your parents used to call her, but I was thinking stuff from the schoolyard. So I figured you're better off with missdimple's suggestion.

Anyway, what I think I can help you with is the babysitting thing. There must be something that is at the same time really scary and completely polite in Dutch and that means "Are you nuts to trust me with your kids? The social services would remove the kids from you promptly if I babysat them!" but without saying it like that... more along the lines of "I have absolutely *no* experience with kids, so I'd be afraid of say, not being able to help them in an emergency!" -- you want to give the impression that you would be more than happy to take care of them except for the fact that you can't, while at the same time making it clear that they don't have enough time to teach you in just 5 weeks. The best example I can come up with that straddles that line is y'know how German people can ask you "Another cup of coffee?..." and you just know the unspoken full sentence is "...before you leave." -- that tone of voice.

Also, maybe you can talk to your father about how you have been away all this time and your life has changed and you feel your siblings are not respecting you as an adult. Maybe he can talk to them later away from you or something. Don't ask him anything, just express your feelings.

And also, it might help talking to your dad about your visit. Tell them you are thinking of moving back to the Netherlands despite protests of all your friends here, and that you were hoping that the 5 weeks would provide you with something that made you want to move back near your family instead of being bossed around and made feel uncomfortable around your own siblings. Maybe that could shake your sisters a little.

Good luck with everything!

[(Anonymous)]

Smart people have the weirdest problems. Drink mercury until everything's easier.

[vasilatos]

My father refuses to call me by my name, but insists on the name he gave me when I was born. What he doesn't realize is that it is so dissonant, every time he does that, I hate the first name even more. He thinks it's pretty.

I have some success with a superior, indulgent attitude toward my family. After all, they're provincial insular ignorant hicks, and can't help it. :-)

[keyne.livejournal.com]

Grrr.

How do you pronounce FJ!! in Dutch, anyway?