juandaveed tagged me.

[fj]

If I was hot in Hollywood, here would be my five closest celebrity pals. Whenever you open an issue of Entertainment Weekly or People magazine, there would be candid shots of me and the following:

Yeah, sure, like I'd be in People. Or worse, In Touch. Gawd. I avoid them like the plague living here in noweher East Coast, and only take short trips. Still, everyone knows something is up. What is up is that Oprah keeps calling.

Seriously, she does. Ever since she had me on, remember? Yeah, that. But this is how very un-hollywood she is, she actually didn't mind that I became so engrossed with Karen Black's backstory that I ended up inadvertently taking over the interview with sympathetic questions until Karen cried about the trauma of secretly dating Charlton Heston during the filming of Airport 77. You can see it in the repeats how Oprah is looking at me, first amused, and then her eyes go ka-ching! "You must come on again! People loved you! Just a side-kick thing!" And I'm like, Oprah, come on. Level with me, we both know the truth. And she admits its true, she really wants to groom me, to take over before her contract is up. She's so tired of this shit. I keep telling her that if I wanted the gig I would want more Jerry Springer type stuff, "girl, you know I am judgemental." So does she, but "You think I can yell at male triplets having sex with the same girl and remain Americas Godmother? I am itching, just itching to do a segment on this White Trash Family I found that has the dad juggling the children. But nooooo, it would hurt raaaaaaaaaatings... Instead I am supposed to have Tom Fucking Cruise's scrawny ass  jump all over me." Tell it like it is, girl. She's unrelenting, I may do a guest spot anyway to put us out of her misery. She promised it wouldn't be a fluff food item.

I flee to Elizabeth's place. I just sit there in her bedroom and do my regular work, research, study, while she sleeps and putters around. It is very comfortable. We talk about politics, and sometimes we talk about her old days. She's not stuck on them, and I like that. She's a total riot often, loves peeking over my shoulder while I am chatting in the Leather rooms on gay.com. "Liz you can't do that! This is like, confidential and stuff!"
-- "Oh don't be such a fuss-bucket. Like I am going to run to the Star? Can you believe the headline alone? She savors every word: 'Liz Taylor Tells All About Kinky Gay Chat'" She belts out her laugh -- thank god her laugh is still there -- and I laugh with her.I read her some more of what MidwestSubPA wants me to do to him, and she clasps her hands and rocks back and forth, revelling in the openness of it all.
-- "Oh, Jimmy would have so loved to meet you." She's not taking the anniversary of his death  well. She watches Entertainment Tonight and rants about Tom Fucking Cruise, that scrawny ass being a movie star, and not being able to hold a candle to Tad or Jimmy or Rock in the talent department. Now they were The Real Thing. Then we switch to 'Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go'. She loves that show. Makes her see loopy rainbows. We have dinner and I kiss her goodnight.

So I head to Tobey's place, help him with some readings. I don't like the Spider-Man 3 script, neither does he, and he's thinking about Broadway. We talk on the phone with Kirstin about the movie, and we all three know they will both save it drama wise, but it is just not good. We push for a re-write, and I grab the script for the play from behind the couch, the place where he threw it yesterday in frustration that he didn't think he'd ever get to do it. He pretends he doesn't care, but I just read one line and he answer me with his character's line. 20 minutes later we are soaked in sweat from working out the suicide scene, and he tells me again I have to do this with him, I am such a natural, why am I wasting my time with what I do now, even if he didn't do this I should. I point to his front-gate and make a click-buzz click-buzz camera sound, and he yells at me that I get that all the time anyway. And I have to agree, but I can't invite it more, and at 35, it seems too late to start. We agreed all three go out together and make it look like 'work', but he just wants to get closer to Kirstin, and she wants to get closer to him, without it becoming obvious. "S3 so doesn't need the publicity of that dating crap, man", he says, "even the not dating crap. Tom is just fucking ruining it for us all. He's not gonna get Mission Impossible 4 off the ground this way, and 3 is gonna flop. Or maybe they are just tired of seeing his scrawny ass."
-- "Jeezus Tobey, you do a couple of squats to bulk up for a role, and suddenly everyone else is scrawny."

I want dessert, so I go to Harvey's place. He's still awake, he doesn't have to be on a set at 6. Everyone hates him because he is such a hard-line producer who underpays everyone, but he makes an awesome chocolate mousse, and gives me all the gossip. Takes no prisoner. And because he is not in front of the cameras, his front gate has no tabloid stalkers to greet me. Quite the relief. Het tells me again about throwing Monopoly money at Ben and Matt. "Harvey, you need new stories." He says he does, but he tells this one not to dwell, not to think about the maybe the US being just a banana republic with off-shore torture chambers and lies and hidden agendas. I know better than to suggest maybe he needs to make his fear heard, make a movie about it. He knows the score and he'll just start ranting about people wanting to see Tom Fucking Cruise blow up the world to save it from unreal 'safe' dangers. The words 'scrawny ass' will be in there somewhere. We both lean back in his patio chairs and watch the sky, pretending to see real stars, real wonder. I excuse myself and tell him I need to bike down to Santa Monica for some late drinks with some techie / thesis-writing friends who could use the relief.

But yeah, on the way I get a call. And it is true and I should have told them all, and I feel like a liar: Tom keeps trying to get in touch with me too. He's getting bolder. As the straightjacket of marriage publicity closes, he needs the balance, the outlet. He would have taken No for an answer, but I made the mistake of lying to him to rub it in, telling him I never saw one of his movies. Ok, so I saw Minority Report on TV or something, a movie about bad password management policies, but I told him I had never seen any. Now that his ego could not take, he now needs me completely. Ages ago, before me jumping him became an issue, I told him about my fantasy of having Superman as a willing leather slave, the Big Blue Boy Scout at night as a stud who just really likes to put on a harness and not have to think about his responsabilities and just give it up to the right man, in his wholesome playful way. Tom sent me a red jockstrap with the big S logo on it, says we can act it out. I laughed hysterically when I opened the box, thinking about his swimming pool scene in Minority. "With your scrawny ass? Would it even jut out beyond the waist band?" Of course, I didn't say that. Make the world a better place and all.

I tag spwebdesign , stealthpup , and slinkr , but slinkr has to ask her wife who to describe.

Comments

[proemial.livejournal.com]

That was an amusing read. :)

[spwebdesign.livejournal.com]

Do we have to attempt to be as amusing and entertaining as you, or just list 5 celebs?

[fj.livejournal.com]

Try very slightly. I wanna know why you hang out with them.

[spwebdesign.livejournal.com]

Will do. ;)

[malte.livejournal.com]

I'm trying hard to remember if I've read something funnier than this on LJ. :-) And coming up blank.

[fj.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[pyrzqxgl.livejournal.com]

*applause*

[fj.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[ex-juandave.livejournal.com]

That was the bee's knees.

Love the red jockstrap. :P

[fj.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you liked it.

I was thinking

[ifuonlyknew.livejournal.com]

a) that was highly amusing, good work :)

b) Hey somebody else who keeps up on entertainment news like I do. We should hang out sometime and gossip wildly about all those crazy celebrities. The only person I've had to discuss this stuff with lately is my annoying sister who really doesn't have anything interesting or insightful to say about anything. It's very sad.

c) Tom Fucking Cruise and his scrawny ass...that just about sums it up.

Re: I was thinking

[fj.livejournal.com]

Best Week Ever keeps me up to date, baby. And reading In Touch every 5 weeks at my hairdresser.

I want to know who told Jessica Simpson the Beach Bunny Goth look was in.